Discomfort Due to Vaginal Tightness

too big? asks:

Dear Amy,

My girlfriend has a very tight vagina. This is great for me but can cause discomfort during sex if/when I get too enthusiastic. Our sex life is open and honest but we can't seem to find a solution. What are our options?

Dear Too Big-

Just like all aspects of the human body, women's vaginas come in many different shapes and sizes. At the same time, pain and discomfort during penetration may be caused by reasons other than physical anatomy. Make sure to keep things nice and lubed during playtime to avoid discomfort due to unpleasant friction. Similarly, foreplay can help play a key role in relaxing the body (including the vaginal walls), and will also help to increase the production on your partner’s natural lubrication. Your “problem” may have a simple solution such as investing a little extra time in your foreplay session before engaging in actual penetration.

If the discomfort persists for you and/or your partner when you are both highly aroused and lubricated, you may want to approach vaginal sex as a slow-paced step-by-step process. After a hot and heavy foreplay session, try inserting a finger or two into her vagina. Slow and steady is the key here, and it is always helpful to communicate with your partner about the activity at hand. Ask your partner what feels good to her as you move your fingers inside of her. When she is feeling aroused and ready for more, you can try inserting another lubed finger, or you may want to incorporate a dildo (or even a vibrating dildo). At this point, I would recommend using a toy that is a little smaller than the size of your own penis at its most erect/aroused state. Most of the dildos in our store and on our website should have the dimensions in each description, so choose accordingly. And don’t forget to add lube to your toy before using it with your partner.

If your partner is ready for more after all of these steps, now may be the time to more forward towards actual penetrative sex. Remember to go slow and maintain communication with your partner. And, yes, you guessed it, make sure things are still nice and lubricated. If you and/or your partner continue to experience pain and discomfort after going through all of these steps, the “problem” may be more than an issue of vaginal tightness. If your partner has endured previous traumatic occurrences with penetration, she may experiencing a condition that is causing the vaginal walls to contact involuntarily (known as “Vaginismus”). There are also other conditions that result from the irritation of the tissues in or around the vaginal walls, such as Vulvodynia and Vestibulodynia. For more information on these conditions, check out “The V Book” by Elizabeth G. Stewart, M.D. and Paula Spencer.