More Sensual Sex, Please

Slowpoke asks:

So in my wonderful 10 year relationship with my guy, I still don't know how to get him to slow down and be a more sensual lover. I've tried the subtle clues with movement, moans, I have taken on a slightly dominatrix role and ordered him what to do (which he thinks is hot) but he has trouble just getting lost in the experience unless there is a lot of screaming. I have even gone as far as trying to discuss it with him but it seems to hurt his self confidence. I am lucky that I am naturally and easily orgasmic, but I get tired of sex being a competition of how many orgasms I can have. It can be nice to do it like horny teens, but how can I help him more connected with the sensuality? I feel like I am on stage sometimes.

Dear Slowpoke:

It seems inevitable that most long-term relationships will fall into a sexual routine, leaving one or more parties craving for new ways to spice up their sex lives. While it sounds like you are already doing a great job at maintaining a hot, orgasm-filled sex life, I completely understand your desire to slow things down and experience the sensual side of your partner.

With that said, you mentioned you've tried to tackle the topic head-on with little to no success. Did you initiate the conversation in the heat of the moment (i.e., before/during/after sex)? I ask this because many people feel most vulnerable when they are having sex and/or are naked, and when sexually-related issues arise during this time, people become defensive. If you have not done so already, try to have this discussion outside of the bedroom to avoid these responses. Chose a time when you are both in a good mood and have no obligations other than to focus on yourselves, and ask him to sit down with you on the couch or at the kitchen table (basically, anywhere other then the bedroom) to discuss your relationship together. It is always helpful to use “I" statements, expressing your needs, desires, and concerns while avoiding language that accesses blame. Perhaps describe your desire for a more sensual love life as an additional perk to the great sex you already have as opposed to a correction to what is lacking.

Also, you may want to try introducing him to new sensual and/or spiritual sexual practices such as Tantra or Kama Sutra. The basic premise of Tantra is the connection between two bodies to become more like one through breath-work, visualization, communication, and touch, which may be right up your alley.  Try reading a book or watching an instructional DVD on the topic with your partner (side note- instructional DVD's are also highly pornographic and arousing, so it shouldn't be too difficult to keep him interested). Or better yet, take a class together (if you live in the Santa Cruz area, we put on Tantra classes every other month).

For more resources, check out "Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving" by Charles and Caroline Muir, as well as "The Better Sex Guide to the Kama Sutra" DVD.