The Penis and Performance Anxiety

April 07, 2010 2 min read

funny girl asks:

My boyfriend of two months, is and has been having problems staying and getting hard for me. He says that it has never happened before in any other sexual encounter. He is only 30 and is active and healthy. He says that he has never had sex before that involved emotion, I'm the first woman that he has ever loved.

help us please. I feel a little helpless.

Dear Funny Girl-

Am I wrong here when I say that sometimes it seems as if the cock really does have a mind of its own? With that said, an individual’s thoughts and feelings about themselves and/or their partner really do play a huge role in both the physical and mental arousal processes. Men and women may experience this in different ways. For example, some women tend to “clench up”, unconsciously tightening the vaginal walls when they are experiencing feelings of nervousness about playing with their partner, making penetration difficult, uncomfortable, and sometimes even impossible. Similarly, some men experience physical reactions to their own feelings of anxiety or nervousness, such as premature ejaculation and/or erectile difficulties. Your partner may be “psyching himself out”, so to speak, where he is so overwhelmed with nervousness in regards to this new experience of intense emotion (i.e., love) that his feelings are affecting his physical behaviors. If this is the case, you two may want to sit down and openly discuss your thoughts, feelings, hopes, intentions, worries, and everything in between (see my post on Erectile Dysfunction about how and when to strike up this conversation).  Communication is oftentimes the missing link in many sex-related problems.

In terms of open communication, if your partner is feeling pressured to please you in such a way that is instead resulting in performance anxiety, it may be beneficial for you to reassure him otherwise. Let him know that you enjoy playing with him even if there is no hard cock involved. There are plenty of sexy things two people can do without a fully erect member. And who knows; perhaps once the focus is taken off the problem with his cock, his little friend will choose to rise up to the next occasion…

Lastly, keep in mind that outside factors such as stress and drugs and alcohol can greatly affect an individual’s erectile ability. Hopefully after a healthy conversation, however, your partner will feel comfortable enough to overcome his performance anxiety and/or you two can find new and exciting ways to arouse each other. For more information, check out “Men’s Sexual Health” by Barry W. McCarthy and Michael E. Metz, a straightforward book packed with modern-day, accurate information.

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