(Almost) Never Had an Orgasm

April 14, 2010 2 min read

B-Rat asks:

I've been sexually active for 4 years now and in all of those years I've only had about 5 orgasms. Is there anything my partner and I can do to get me to orgasm?

Dear B-Rat-

First things first: A. What were you doing when you had those 5 wonderful orgasms? B. Whatever you were doing, do it again! Was it the way you touched yourself or the way your partner touched you? Could it have been more of a situational experience such as the environment you were in? Or was it plain random luck? Most likely there is something that got you off those 5 blissful times, and perhaps you can get to that point again by “recreating” previous experiences.

Side note: Let it be known that I am assuming you are a woman in this post. With that said, here is a brief orgasm 101 lesson:

The clitoris is one of the only body parts with the sole purpose of providing pleasure. It has twice as many nerve endings as the head of the penis, as well as many more nerve endings than the vaginal canal. Most women experience orgasm through some sort of clitoral stimulation. Therefore, penetrative sex (be it with as penis, a sex toy, or any other object) often misses the clit altogether, making it difficult to reach orgasm. In this case, you may want to consider incorporating clitoral stimulation into your playtime with your partner. Ask your partner to touch your clit during foreplay and /or during sex. Make sure to communicate what feels good and what you could do without. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with touching yourself while playing with your partner. In fact, your partner may actually find this to be incredibly arousing.

If basic manual stimulation just isn’t cutting it (or if you just want to spice things up a little), I highly recommend bringing a vibrator into your sex life. Check out my post on “Clitoral vs. Vaginal Orgasms” for vibrator use and selection.  Again, there is nothing wrong with using a sex toy on yourself for solo play and/or while playing with your partner.

Some other tips and tricks: Relax your body AND your mind. Try to be “in the moment” by not focusing all of your attention on an end goal (i.e., orgasm). Instead, focus on the sensations your body is feeling, and communicate your feelings about these sensations to your partner. Also, try deep breathing (some people practically forget to breathe altogether!). Check out my post on “Difficulty Achieving Orgasm During Intercourse” for more info.

Lastly, the orgasmic experience is different for everyone. People describe orgasm in a number of ways, such as a full-body explosion, a feeling of warm pleasure in the genitals, a transcending experience, a simple release, etc. Similarly, many people are able to experience numerous types of orgasms. You may want to take a look at the way you define orgasm, because you may actually be experiencing other types of orgasms on a less obvious level.

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