Threesomes

Clouds asks:

Hi Amy,
My boyfriend and I want to have a threesome with another lady.
Any tips on how to approach this? Where to find one, how to make it happen, what dynamics might ensue both in our relationship and with the other woman? What to be aware of?

Thanks!

Dear Clouds-

First and foremost, communication is key.  Since you mentioned both you and your boyfriend want to have a threesome, make sure you are on the same page.  Is this something you both really want?  What is the ultimate outcome for both of you? For example, if you both enjoyed it, does this mean you are going to do it again, or is this a onetime thing?  Other important factors to discuss are rules and boundaries. What is/is not allowed? What might make you and/or your partner uncomfortable?  Is there going to be penetration, and if so, who can penetrate whom?  Is it okay to stop something during the event? If so, I recommend using the "stop light system". Say the phrase "yellow" to indicate to your partners that you are not entirely happy, "Red" if the scene ever goes too far, and "Green" for when you’re ready to start up again.  Also, talk about things you would like your partner to do with your guest.  Would you like them to stimulate you together?  Do you think it would be hot to watch them make out?  Make this a time for exploration as well as fantasy!

This may seem like a lot to talk about beforehand, but being on the same page is extremely important when it comes to multiple partners in one bedroom.  It is also extremely important to check in with everyone during the course of the event.  And don't forget that your guest is a person too!  Ask them what they would like to do, and be sure to let them in on the plan.

I would highly recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. It is good for all genders to read and approaches different "slutty" situations from an open position.  Another sex educator to check out is Tristan Taormino.  She wrote a book called "Opening up", which is a guide for couples who are thinking about exploring
non-monogamy.

As to where to find a playmate, it depends on your area.  Some cities have local swingers clubs.  I would recommend fetlife.com, a social network for the fetish community that actually has many groups for couples interested in threesomes or poly interactions.

-Avi Answers