Ejaculatory Control

June 08, 2010 3 min read

Bear asks:

My wife turns me on so much that when its time to make love, all I do is cum fast. So I spend lots of time going down on her. What can we do to make me last longer??

Hi Bear!

Many men will experiences some form of “premature ejaculation” at some point in their lives, most often being in the beginning stages of their sexual exploration.  As men age and acquire more sexual experience, they generally gain more ejaculatory control. However, there is a lot more to ejaculation than these two key factors.

While it is great to hear how much your wife turns you on, the reason why you are having trouble postponing ejaculation probably involves other factors such as your breathing, muscle strength, and rushed masturbation practices. We live in a busy culture where everything is on a time limit, and sometimes people treat their self-pleasuring in the same regard: with an end goal to get off as quick as possible. Furthermore, if you were raised in an environment where masturbation was looked down upon and could only be accomplished within restricted time intervals behind closed doors, this may also have an affect on your ejaculatory control.

Fortunately, there are a number of things you can try to build ejaculatory control. Breathing is a huge part of the arousal process. The length and intensity of your orgasm is very much related to your breath, and the same goes for the point of ejaculation (side note- ejaculation and orgasm are two different processes that occur simultaneously for most people. It is possible to learn how to have an orgasm without ejaculation. For more information on this, see “The Multi-Orgasmic Man” by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams). The key is to breathe slow, deep breaths instead of rapid, shallow breaths when you are getting close to orgasm. Try inhaling through your nose, and then exhaling through your mouth. While this may seem like something that should come natural to us, you may need to really make the effort to focus on your breath. Also, try focusing on strengthening the exhalation more so than the inhalation.

Another key factor in ejaculatory control is the strength of your PC, or pubococcygeus muscle. This is the muscle that surrounds the prostate, and can be felt by the contraction you make to stop the flow of urine. The PC muscle also plays a huge role in orgasm for both men and women. By maintaining a strong PC muscle, you may experience better ejaculatory control, stronger orgasms, and even the ability to separate orgasm from ejaculation. There are a number of tightening exercises you can do to help strengthen this muscle. They involve contracting/clenching the muscle in repetitions (for example, exhale and tighten/contact the muscle for 2 seconds, and then slowly release with the inhale for 2 seconds X30 times, 1-3 times a day).

A few other key points on ejaculatory control:

*Slow down and/or stop altogether when you feel as if you are getting close to ejaculation. Take a break from whatever you are doing and try other, less arousing activities. This is the perfect time to give oral to your partner!

*Don't forget to clue your partner in on your arousal level. Communicate what you are feeling so your partner knows when and how to touch you.

*Keep in mind that everyone's definition of "coming too fast" or "premature ejaculation" is different. Pornography portrays sex as an all-night activity, while in reality, most people are only having actual intercourse for 2-25 minutes. If both you and your partner are enjoying your playtime, then perhaps there really is nothing "premature" about your sex life.

*If your concerns with ejaculatory control persist after trying these methods, there may be a more serious mental barrier or physical condition they may require the help of a sex therapist and/or surrogate.

For more info, check out "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams.

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