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Fantasy vs. Reality

Posted by Amy Baldwin on

Intimate Fantasy asks:

I am having problems with orgasm with men. When I am by myself I fantasize about women. I love men but I sneak and watch porn with women only. What is my problem?

Dear Intimate Fantasy:

First off, I am assuming the following: A. you are a woman, and B. you are able to orgasm on your own while watching porn and/or fantasizing about women.

Many people find it much easier to orgasm from self-pleasuring as opposed to playing with another person. When we are alone, we let our guards down, which in turn leads to more relaxation, openness, and the freedom to pleasure ourselves just how we like it. When we are playing with other people, sometimes we put that guard up without noticing it, and it may be difficult to relax and focus on our own pleasure. In this case, try to tune in with yourself, relax your body and be fully present. Also try to focus on the different sensations you are experiencing with your partner. Aim to get into that state of complete openness you experience when you are playing alone.

In regards to your fantasies, many people fantasize about someone other than the person they usually play with. Keep in mind they are called "fantasies" for a good reason- like dreams,  fantasies  don't have to be real, are limitless, and sometimes the object of our fantasy is out of our control. Your brain is the most powerful sex toy out there, and you can use your imagination to create whatever visual imagery you desire. So if imagining having sex with women gets you off, then go with it. Furthermore, there is absolutely nothing wrong with incorporating these fantasies while playing with your male partner/s.  And just because this fantasy triggers your arousal, this does not mean it has to be something you actually want to act out in real life.

Lastly, please know that if you really do want to act out your fantasies in real life, than this is perfectly fine as well. All consensual sex is good sex ;)


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