Introducing Kink to Newbies: A Response from Lollie

November 14, 2011 2 min read 1 Comment

Colin-ization asks:

What ways can you suggest to introduce and negotiate kinky play (power exchange, role play scenes, spanking, pet collars, etc.) with a partner who's never really taken the plunge before?  I meet a lot of people are really under-informed about the topic which makes for a steep learning curve.  I like pushing people's envelopes, but it's a delicate balance to only challenge someone just as much as their ready for.   Any ideas about establishing comfort and trust?

Dear Colin-ization:

One of the best ways to establish comfort and trust is through communication. If you are looking to go into more extreme play, talk with your partner about your interests and your concerns about exploring these interests. Keep in mind that "extreme play" means different things to different people. Explain what "kinky play" means to you and try to dispel some potential misconceptions that your partner may have. Be open and accepting of your partner's feelings and boundaries, making sure that it is clear that you will respect his or her limits. Discuss a safe-word, which is a code phrase (something that would not be said normally) that, when said by either partner, ends a scene. This gives your partner more control over the situation and how far things will go, which can help them feel more at ease exploring. As soon as they feel out of their comfort zone, they can stop the scene. A safe-word must be adhered to no matter what, or else it is not a SAFE word. One great option is the red light system, where red means stop everything, yellow means hold up for a minute or so, and green means that things are going well. What's nice about this system is that there is the option to take a break without stopping completely.

Beyond straightforward discussion, a great way to introduce a partner to kink is to start subtle and slow. If you are interested in spanking, for example, start to touch his or her butt more, eventually leading to light open-hand taps. This gives them the chance to stop the scene before you reach a limit. Whenever you make a move like this, be hyper aware of how your partner is reacting, both verbally and physically. If they tense up, slow down and check in with them. When trying new things, periodically ask your partner how they are doing and what they want. Checking in with your partner lets them know that you care about how they feel about these new things. Introducing a partner to kinky play takes a lot of patience, but it is worth the time and effort. Just make sure that you never rush them into anything or they may mark that interest off completely.

Good luck and safe playing!


About Lollie: Lollie is a Pure Pleasure employee, sex educator,  kink advocate, and a redhead with a personality to match.

1 Response

Cheryl Square
Cheryl Square

December 12, 2013

Yes. Well said Lollie; it’s all about communication and straight forward discussion. Great advice and is really the only way to introduce a partner to kink. I was reading a related article that addresses how to negotiate kink with a provider, it’s titled BDSM 101 and is at It gives helpgul tips about talking about kinky play.

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