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Lollie Answers: Threesome 101

Posted by Lollie Pure Pleasure on

Bi-Curious Asks:

So I am a female in a committed relationship with a man, but I have always been bi-curious. I've done things with girls before but always when I was single. My boyfriend doesn't have a problem with me doing things with girls and said he might even like to watch, but neither of us have done anything like that before and we're not exactly sure how to go about it. There is a girl who is interested in me and said she wouldn't mind letting him watch, but that seems kind of awkward. What should he do while we're doing our thing? Does he just sit back and watch, pleasure himself, or participate? Whats okay for him to do and what's not?

Dear Bi-Curious:

One of the most important things to do in a situation like this is communicate. Have an afternoon sit-down with your partner and the interested girl to talk about what would be okay for everyone. Establish any limits on what might make someone feel uncomfortable. For example, would your partner want you to pretend that he isn't there or occasionally address and acknowledge him? If he were to participate, would you feel hurt if he started to play more with your friend than you? It is important to address these concerns before they become a problem so that you can all deal with potential touchy situations better. Talking beforehand can also help dispel uneasiness among the three of you.

 What is and isn't okay for him to do is up to you all. If it feels good/right for everyone, then it's okay to do. If someone is uncomfortable or put off by something, it's not okay to do. Personal boundaries should be well established, and it always helps to ask before doing something new. Some great options are: he watches you and your friend play with each other while he touches himself, you all pick one person to be the focus of attention and the other two please that person, or everyone participates and pleases each other.

There are many different ways to approach a sexual experience involving three people. We have a number of books and DVDs on the topic, but one of the best is Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Threesomes, which I would recommend you all watch together.

Good luck in your threesome endeavors and remember to have fun with it!

Best,
Lollie

About Lollie: Lollie is a Pure Pleasure employee and educator,  kink advocate, and a redhead with a personality to match.


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1 comment


  • This is the best advice! I have said these same words to people in the same situation. I want to add a couple of things as well. It is very important to allow room for an awkward moment. Establishing boundaries is fine and all but sometimes some situations move in a different direction that may have not been previously discussed. If you go into it open minded and an awkward moment occurs, try not to harbor jealousy as much as possible. Instead discuss why that situation was inappropriate or how to make it fair.

    Attention to each person involved is very important! Like Lollie said, if you establish in advance what is okay what is not then going into it you have your expectations and nobody is left out!

    It is easy to establish certain boundaries and find those boundaries changing because you’re in the heat of the moment. That’s okay too as long as you talk about it as you go. “I want to see this happen” or if something is too close to comfort then “how about we do this instead”.

    I only speak from personal experience and my spouse and I are very happy with our experiences.

    Cheers!

    Billie D. on

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