I'm a 20-something male that has in the past enjoyed an impressive dexterity in terms of avoiding cumming during penetration with my female partners. About a year ago my performance drastically fell and now I'm dealing with a sort of sexual insecurity in relation to pleasing my partners. The general intensity of my orgasms has fallen as well. I've picked up masturbating as often as I can to practice holding back, but I'm not sure what I should be doing. What could have caused this twist in fate? Are there any resources you can suggest?
Your questions bring up a number of thoughts and potential suggestions, so I’ll try to cover them all! I do hope I understand your question – it sounds like you are experiencing less control than you used to have, and this is causing some insecurity for you in terms of being able to last long enough to give your partners adequate pleasure before you ejaculate, right?
First and foremost, kudos to you for being concerned with your partners’ pleasure! The fact that you care about their experience is already a testament to your ability to please them. On this note, before I get into sharing some tips and resources for delaying ejaculation, I just want to remind you that while many women enjoy penetration (and lots of it!) during sexual intimacy, there are a multitude of other ways to bring her pleasure that have little to do with your penis, or at least, with your penis being hard and inside of her vagina. You perhaps already know this, and I don’t wish to ‘preach to the choir’, but some guys do need this reminder (for some, it’s never actually occurred to them). It’s easy to focus primarily on the genitals (and specifically, vaginal penetration) when being sexual, but many women get a lot of pleasure from foreplay that is non-genital focused (and some wish their men were more adept at this than at lasting longer). Tickling, massage, feathers, ice, kisses, caresses, even joint stretching or gentle wrestling can be tantalizing ways to enjoy each others’ bodies sensually without concentrating solely on the loins.
Furthermore, if you aren’t already adept at manual and oral stimulation and helping your partner achieve g-spot orgasm and female ejaculation, you can also focus on mastering your skills in these areas to bring her extended pleasure beyond what she receives from being penetrated by you. All of these activities also allow you to become slowly stimulated and aroused without having your tool directly employed in the action. This slow arousal will stimulate all of your senses, which could ultimately lead to a more intense orgasm for you as well. Also, focusing on her pleasure and orgasm without incorporating your penis will take pressure off of you to please her only with your penis, and this alone should decrease some of the performance anxiety you are feeling, which is one factor in resolving this issue. In my experience, women more often complain that their partners focus too much on penetration at the expense of these pleasures than that their partners cum too quickly.
To your question ‘What could have caused this twist in fate?’, there are a number of potential responses. First, everyone changes over time, both men and women. Our bodies change, our responsiveness changes, and our stress levels change. Ask yourself a few questions: What did you ‘do’ before to delay ejaculation, specifically? Which of these techniques no longer work so well? What else has changed in your life since those days when you had more control over the fate of your phallus? Are you experiencing more stress in areas of your life not related to sex and intimacy? After you’ve done a little reflection, I’ll direct you to an article by Dr. Hernando Chavez. He’s a trusted and knowledgeable sexologist in the Los Angeles area. The article is about premature ejaculation (PE), and although you did not say that you are experiencing PE per se, some of the same suggestions may apply. He covers almost all of the tips I would suggest, and does so quite well, so read on. I know him personally, so I trust his advice.
A couple of tips that are not expressly stated in Dr. Chavez’ article are:
- Have your partner help you delay ejaculation by gently tugging or pulling on your testicles when you feel you are approaching ejaculation. You can obviously do this yourself, but sometimes the position will make it difficult to do so, plus, this is one thing she can do to help, and may help her tune in to your body’s rhythm.
- Lessen the amount or intensity of the pelvic thrusting you do yourself. Dr. Chavez mentions this indirectly in his article when he writes about positions that tend to help men delay ejaculation. Thrusting can speed up ejaculation; doing the opposite can slow the process down a bit.
- Practice deep breathing as you become more aroused. Take a moment to channel your arousal with your breath. Inhale deeply and slowly, take a moment to caress your partner with your eyes and/or hands, and just take your mental focus off of the sensations on your phallus briefly.
- Talk sexy to your partner, switch positions, pull out and engage in some other intimate act for some moments or minutes, and then resume penetration. All of these tips, like #3 above, will take the focus off of the phallus momentarily.
All of these tips should have the dual effect of slowing down ejaculation as well as intensifying your orgasm once you do climax!
You might want to do a little research on Tantra techniques. Tantra specifically refers to a series of Hindu texts on practices and rituals for sacred sexual connection. In modern day, it more commonly refers to the practice of using ritual, breath work, massage, visualization and other techniques to bring consciousness to sexual intimacy and to harness ‘kundalini’, or sexual energy. One focus of Tantra is to learn how to send this energy from the genitals up the spine and throughout the body, in order to intensify orgasms for both men and women. Tantra includes some very specific breath work tips to help men delay and intensify ejaculation.
Talk about this with a trusted partner! While it may not be the easiest conversation for you to have with a casual partner, it may help to enlist some support from a partner who is more regular, and this conversation can help build trust and intimacy between you. Dr. Chavez mentions communication in his article, and I wanted to restate it as well. Communication is key in all things sexual, and in this case, can really help diminish any anxiety you may feel. It also lets your partner know that you are real and vulnerable, which can be a huge emotional turn-on for some women!
Please also check out our upcoming classes for the rest of August and September! Some of these could be great resources for you! Click here for the schedule and click here for the link to Dr. Chavez’ article. Please do let us know if any of these suggestions help! It is helpful for us to get feedback from those who write in, letting us know what worked and what didn’t, and what else might have been discovered along the way.
Pure Pleasure employee & sexuality educator