Gina Anwers: 40+, Inexperienced and Ready to Date

Pup Asks:

I am a 47-year old woman who only recently has been interested in sex within the last two years.  I find both men and women arousing but have very limited experience with either (you could count the number of times I've had sex on one hand).  None of the experiences have been very arousing and I feel like my partners don't get much out of it because I am so inexperienced in the bedroom.  Part of this feels like because I have never had the experiences people do when they are younger in getting to play and experiment (fumbling around as a teenager in experiencing first love and discovering what sex is about).  As an older woman, it seems as there is an expectation I should know what I am doing.  I feel like unless I have an on-going partner who is willing to teach me, I will never get better between the sheets.  One-night stands are just not great learning experiences.  I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship but someone to just have some playtime with and experiment in the ways I never had a chance to while younger.  Basically I want to explore the sexual side of me but have a difficult time finding someone who is willing to be a long-term sex partner, both male or female.  Do you have any ideas as to where/how to find someone willing to teach someone of my age?

P.S.  I have attended three of your classes at Pure Pleasure (Blowjob 101, Lollie-Gagging: Deep Throating and Anal Sex).  For all of those readers out there, I wholeheartedly endorse these classes and suggest you take them as they are not only informative but fun and engaging.  And it doesn't hurt that the speakers are easy on the eyes (OK, they are damn HOT) !  The next  Deep Throating is Oct. 15th so get your seats now as it really can be fun, interesting and definitely informative. 

Dear Pup:

I can understand your dilemma and have a few suggestions for finding a longer-term sexual partner with whom to explore.   First and foremost, I would encourage you to remember that some people your age might find your lack of experience to be very exciting and tantalizing.  True, you may not be able to satisfy your partners initially in the way that a more experienced person would, but you also offer something very unique in the simple fact that you are an older woman who is on the verge of discovery.  And that can be very exciting – for both you and a partner.  Some people will find it a huge turn-on to be the one to help you discover how to give and receive to the fullest.  So before you embark further on this journey, let go of any shame or feelings of inadequacy that you might have (that I hear coming through in your words), and embrace the uniqueness of YOU.  This will enable you to let go of anxiety and more fully enjoy the moment when you are sexual, which is also a huge turn-on for many people, both male and female, regardless of your skill set.

The first thing that comes to mind is the Human Awareness Institute.  This organization has been offering workshops on love, intimacy and sexuality for a number of years, all over the world.  Many people come to these classes with partners, looking to increase intimacy and communication.  However, singles also come, looking to simply find ways to bring more to their intimate relationships.  You might meet someone at a workshop who would be more than willing to be a sexual partner.  This may or may not help you in your quest, but they do have a free mini-workshop coming up in Emeryville at the end of the month.

Second, if you are not opposed to exploring the world of online dating, I’d suggest one specific site, Adult Friend Finder.  This site allows you to put out to a number of people, who are also seeking specific sexual experiences and accepting and open partners, exactly what you are seeking.

Last but not least, there is the simple, old-school approach of making connection out in the world with someone whom you find attractive, and then being honest about your experiences and what you seek.  The potential upside of this approach is likely obvious, but the downside is, as you say, that it can be very difficult to find someone who has both the interest and ability to ‘teach’ and help you explore your sexuality.  Even though many people your age might be more experienced than you, they may not be open and accepting enough of their own sexuality to consider helping someone else explore theirs to the fullest.  Perhaps some combination of these three, in conjunction with the use of some toys and books for self-love, will prove to be the most fulfilling approach?  Regardless, I wish you much luck in your quest for exploration and new experiences, and sincerely hope you find (a) partner(s) with whom to share this piece of your being.

-Gina