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M.A. Asks:
About four years ago I had an accident down there. But when I recovered, the sex was different. I began to experience premature ejaculation, and it has gotten worse over time. I have tried some natural supplements from nutrition stores and six months ago I began to do kegel exercises; neither have helped. I asked my doctor and he says there is no cure, that most of the time is psychological. One evening I was watching TV and I came across a program that spoke about a man that suffered an injury worse than mine, and had to resort to using a strap on to have sex with his wife. I thought about it some time and then one day after suffering through another sexual let down, I spoke to my wife about the program I saw. I finally convinced her we should try a strap on to see if it would help. My question to you is would you recommend the same and if so what is the absolute safest product? I look forward to hearing from you.
Dear M.A.
Thank you for your question. It is great that you have been focusing on nutrition and kegel exercise. Those things will benefit your overall sexual health and I’d recommend that you continue to do them whether you decide to experiment with strap-on or not!
It sounds like you have thought about this a lot and think strap-on play would add to your sexual interactions with your wife, given the current situation with ejaculation. I can provide a product recommendation, but wanted to offer a few thoughts first.
I gather that you are finding your ejaculation is happening sooner than you’d like and you want to supplement your sex with a strap-on so you can continue to provide your wife with penetration after you have orgasmed.
It is great that you can communicate with your wife and I suggest that you try to continue to do that actively. Together you can continue to explore just how important penetration is to her (and you). Keep in mind that there are many other sexual activities besides penetration that can bring you both pleasure and intimacy. You may find that learning and using some new oral sex techniques or ways to stimulate her with your fingers may be more pleasurable to you both than using a strap-on dildo. In addition, although it may be surprising, a soft penis has the same amount of nerve endings and playing with a soft penis on your wife’s genitals can provide pleasure to both parties even without full penetration.
Still, your doctor is right, “premature” ejaculation often does have psychological causes (I use quotes here because ejaculation time is relative—there is no “right” amount of time a man should take to ejaculate). In your case, because you say this has gotten worse over time, I’d say some psychological issues could be at play. Specifically, feeling anxious or stressed about ejaculating too soon can actually inhibit one’s arousal. By distracting from physical and emotional pleasure, feelings of fear or failure can actually make the problem worse and create a vicious cycle. It may help to seek out a sex therapist in order to explore the thought processes and emotional reactions you are having in the moment that might be contributing to ejaculating earlier than you want. You may decide you want to do this while still exploring a strap-on. As much as you can, I would encourage you to consider that using a strap-on need not feel like a failure, but rather, an enhancement or exciting variation. Men use them for a lot of reasons, including simply not desiring penetrative sex at the same time as their partner.
Now, due to your injury, it may be that even if you get rid of anxiety, stress, or fear that you will never be the same post-injury. That is where a strap-on comes in. I would recommend the Deuce harness by SpareParts, which is designed just for men. The Deuce harness has two separate holes to allow for the penis to extend through one and a toy to extend through the other. This makes it easy to switch from your penis to a dildo or vice versa. It is adjustable and machine washable. The ring in this harness can serve as a cock-ring that, for some, can help prolong erections.
In terms of dildo selection, I’d suggest bringing your wife into our store or checking out our website with her in order to find something that is a size and shape that she would enjoy. Some dildos, like those by Vixen Creations and Tantus, are designed to be very realistic. You might try “Adam” or the “Leisure.”
Finally, I would also recommend a couple of tantric techniques to help prolong your erection. One involves slowing down your movement and breath while clenching (AKA kegeling) in (as if you are trying to stop the flow of urine). You can also try gently cupping and pulling down on the testicles, which may help to postpone ejaculation. For more information on these techniques, check out the The Multi-Orgasmic Man.
I hope that this helps!
About Rose: Rose has a BA in psychology and women's studies, and a Master's in social psychology. She is working toward a PhD at UC Santa Cruz, focusing on social justice, gender and sexuality, sexual empowerment, and sexual rights as human rights. Rose has been a teaching assistant for sexuality-focused college classes, presented research to academic groups like the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, and worked with non-profit organizations across the country on grant-writing and event planning. Her goal is to use social psychological research and teaching to contribute to community-based organizations' efforts and policy-level changes that promote sexual well-being.
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