Low Sex Drive and Long-term Relationships

Calista asks:

I've been worried because my sex drive has completely disappeared.
My fiancee tries so hard and it sparks something but most of the time I'm just not into it and I haven't actively wanted it in about 3 months now.  What's going on and is there something I can do to make me want to do it?

Dear Calista:

First of all, let me assure you that this is a very common question. Most long-term couples will experience a change in their sexual appetite, often being a decrease in desire. Assuming you and your fiance have been together for quite some time, your low sex drive may be attributed to the mental process of habituation. This is where we become so familiar with our partners that it seems to take a lot more to excite us than it did in the initial lust phase of our relationship. As I said in my previous post,  "My Girlfriend's Low Sex-Drive", desire is often associated with excitement, and when things are not new or in a state of constant change, feelings of excitement may be more
difficult to achieve. In this case, you may want to consider adding new activities to your sexual practices.

Here are a few ideas for some new activities to spice things up in the bedroom:

*Try watching an erotic DVD together. We are visual people, and you may be surprised how aroused you can feel just by watching images of other people having sex. I recommend checking out any of the very tasteful Comstock films, or any of Tristan Taromino's instructional DVD's (it's like reading an informational book and watching hot porn at the same time!).

*Read Erotica. You can do this on your own to get yourself in the mood, or, better yet, you can have Erotica story time with your partner.

*Experiment with Power Play. Designate a night where your partner is completely in charge, and they are allowed to do whatever they want to do to you, as well as tell you what they want you to do to them. Feel free to set boundaries ahead of time. And if all goes well, try switching roles the next night where it is your turn to be in charge. This is a great way to for people to let their guard down and express unspoken fantasies and desires.

*Have an Erotic Massage night. Light some candles and bring out the massage oil. Quick tip: Try to focus your touch on areas of your partner?s body that you do not normally touch (inner thighs, feet, lower back/hips/butt cheeks, etc). You may discover some new erogenous zones that leave you begging for more. Just make sure to ask your partner to do the same for you.

*Try taking your playtime out of the bedroom. Whether it is on the kitchen table, the bathroom sink (the mirror= added visual bonus), the washer/dryer, or in the great outdoors, you may find sex much more exciting when you are doing it somewhere other than in your own bed.

*Incorporate sex toys into your usual playtime. Maybe a couples-friendly vibrator such as the Laya Spot, or a small, compact finger vibrator that can be incorporated into all kinds of play. Or experiment with a sexual activity that may be brand new to you as a couple, such as anal play, BDSM, etc.

Lastly, see my comment about hormones, birth control, and sexual desire in "My Girlfriend's Low Sex Drive". Hope this helps!