Rose Answers: Angry Vagina From Sex Toys

NotSoSatisfied Asks:

Ok so I'm very sexually active with myself lately because my current boyfriend and I don't want to rush into sex and he's often out of the u.s.(military) so I have to take care of myself more. I have a few different toys, one is a vibrator that is supposed to feel like real skin, one is jelly material and the other is a rabbit vibe that moves on its own when turned on. All of them have been irritating me inside when I use them. Even tried a condom on the jelly one and still feel the irritation. The rabbit one has bumps at the top that rotate while it moves and those irritate me until its fully inserted. I'm not sure if my body is just not getting used to not having the real deal anymore and having to use the alternative or if I have to use a lot more lube or what. I don't have any type of infection, because I've been checked out recently. I was also thinking maybe my body isn't producing enough of its own lube due to the fact that in my last relationship, I got used to a man stimulating me. What do you think?

Dear NotSoSatisfied:

First, kudos to you for exploring your sexuality solo while getting to know yourself and your boyfriend in this newer relationship! Second, it's great that you have recently been checked out so you can pretty confidently rule out an infection or medical problem.

Given that you’ve tried all of your toys and they all seem t be irritating, it seems likely that they aren’t the cause of your issue. However, if you’re experiencing irritation not only during your solo play but for awhile after, it is more likely that a material is bugging you. In this case you might try a toy that is 100% silicone.

With that said, it sounds like the irritation is localized around the opening of the vagina (as you mentioned that the rabbit bothers you until it is fully inserted). This further rules out the chance that the toys are the cause. It also sounds like you’re pretty in tune with your body and are noticing that you aren’t producing as much lube as you have in the past. So, some suggestions:

You might try just using your fingers for a while until you get more warmed up. Try relaxing and really taking it slow. Perhaps even insert a finger and draw some of your natural lubrication from deeper inside your vagina out around the opening in order to allow a toy to more easily slip inside.

Also, don’t underestimate the power of fantasy! Our biggest sex organ is our brain. Some women find that if they’re distracted, worried, or not concentrating on something that turns them on that it is harder to become/stay aroused. You might try thinking about all of the sexy scenarios that you’d like to try with your bf once you do start having sex. If you’re putting pressure on yourself to be as wet as you were with a guy, this could be distracting.

As you suggest, adding some store-bought lube is a great idea! Feeling the slipperiness can be very arousing and may even help you produce more lube of your own. Water-based lubes tend to dry out faster than others and sometimes need to be re-hydrated with saliva or water. Oil-based lubes, like Yes brand, can be a nice alternative because they stay silky smooth longer and have a bonus moisturizing effect. However, oil-based lubes are not latex-compatible, and may be an issue for you if you are prone to yeast infections.

It is also possible that hormones and aging could be a factor, although this may not be an issue for you (as this didn’t seem to be much of a problem with your last relationship). As women age it can be more difficult for them to produce adequate lubrication on their own. You may be noticing a trend in that direction, in which case, store-bought lubes are the way to go.

Lastly, if the problem persists, I suggest consulting with your doctor.

Hope this helps!

About Rose: Rose has a BA in psychology and women's studies, and a Master's in social psychology.  She is working toward a PhD at UC Santa Cruz, focusing on social justice, gender and sexuality, sexual empowerment, and sexual rights as human rights. Rose has been a teaching assistant for sexuality-focused college classes, presented research to academic groups like the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, and worked with non-profit organizations across the country on grant-writing and event planning. Her goal is to use social psychological research and teaching to contribute to community-based organizations' efforts and policy-level changes that promote sexual well-being.