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Never Climaxed During Intercourse...Am I Broken?

Posted by Amy Baldwin on

Meow asks:

I'm 23 and I've never climaxed during intercourse. A guy can give me an orgasm with his hands or orally but it's not enough. I feel broken, I'm avoiding potential relationships because of it. I know there's people out there that can help me but I don't have a lot of money. I greatly appreciate ANY advice you might have. Thank you!

Dear Meow:

Oh, love, you are far from broken! I can assure you that many, if not MOST women are in the same boat as you; they are getting off primarily from clitoral stimulation. After all, the clitoris has something like 8000 nerve endings, which is thousands more than that of the vaginal canal (as well as twice as much as the head of the penis), and is one of the only body parts designed strictly for pleasure. No wonder most women are having their orgasms from external/clitoral stimulation!

With that said, we still live in a society where many believe that the only "true" orgasm is a vaginal orgasm, of which should be achieved through vaginal-penile sex, and if his cock doesn't make you come, then YOU must be broken. And let me just say, this is complete Victorian-era bullshit. I get all hot-headed just writing about this outdated patriarchal mumbo jumbo...

As I was saying, the fact of the matter is that your orgasms seem right on par with current ideas of female sexual response. But I do understand the desire to continuously evolve your sexual self. So if you want to  work towards having an orgasm during penetrative sex, here are a few suggestions:

1. Try positions that allow you to rub your clit against your partner's body, especially ones that give you the most control. For example, with you on top while straddling and facing your partner, modify this position by leaning forward and grinding your clit against his body with every thrust. His pubic hair is a plus as it provides an added texture for your clit to rub against. Another good one is the butterfly position where you are both sitting up with your legs wrapped around and facing each other. Modify this by adding some sort of back support for him that you can also grab onto. Use your arms to pull yourself against him while grinding your clit along his body.

2. Use a small sex toy, such as the Laya Spot or a bullet vibe, on your clit during sex. Or just use your own fingers.

3. Get to know your g-spot (note- not all women enjoy g-spot stimulation). I suggest practicing with g-spot massage on your own before relying on another person to figure it out for you. The g-spot is a spongy tissue between the vaginal canal and bladder, and usually feels like a bumpy area up towards the anterior wall of the vagina (or towards your belly button). The g-spot generally responds to pressure as opposed to light touch or vibrations. If you find you are a g-spot kind-of girl, see my previous post about clitoral vs. g-spot orgasms for a few g-spot-friendly positions.

4. When in doubt, work on your kegels and breath. Strong PC muscles and deep breathing will go a long way in orgasm land.

Lastly, ask yourself who this actually is a problem for. Are you feeling broken because you're craving those vaginal orgasms, or is it because you're not performing as desired by your partner? I say that as long as you are having fun and experiencing pleasure, it really doesn't matter what makes you come.

For more information, check out The Everything Orgasm Book by sexologist Amy Cooper, and The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women by Mikaya Heart.


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